Has the wagon stopped digging deeper?

So we were kid free the other night and went and sat by the water. Somewhere I seek when I need clarity, peace and a quiet mind.
I’m a Gemini and can I say sometimes it is exhausting in my own head.

The conversation was polite, sometimes silent but baited with the anticipation of the words needing to be said.

I asked Justene if she was going to talk to me. She replied, “What do you want me to say?” I answered with “Anything, something, everything?”

We talked for a long time, calmly and rationally. She talked some more, I blubbered like the guilty fool I am. I listened and I mean really listened and for the first time in a long time….. I heard.

She amazed me at her strength and ability to be the bigger person and despite her anger, hurt and disappointment she was still concerned with the amount of punishment I was giving myself. And I am…….

I’m not sure how we will go or if she can ever trust me again. The next 6 months will be crucial in both of our futures. Can we dig ourselves out of the dirt, fix the wheels and get back on the track?

I’m struggling with where the boundaries lay for jokes, fun, mourning and physical intimacy. When is the right time?

I want her like I did in the beginning, an insatiable thirst that cannot be quenched.

I’m really not sure if she will ever grasp the magnitude or depth of how truly sorry I am. I am so grateful and extremely thankful that this is not the absolute end right now and one day I hope to be hopeful about our future.

Did I ask her about the inappropriateness of her communication and plans with her ex? No. Why you ask? Because again it doesn’t justify what I did in breaking her trust, I believe that if she counts me as important enough in her life she will tell me and explain in her own time.

Nows the time to dig deep, work hard, be mindful. It’s the time for guts, glory, healing and reconnecting.

I’m ready to love and be loved again, I hope she is too.

Maybe we had to fall apart to be able to fall back together………………

Advertisements

Funny how you change….

I think it’s funny how I’ve changed now that in with a woman.

I don’t mean the essence of me I’m still the same but my actions and thought processes.

For example I was a hairdresser. I love to touch other peoples hair. Weird I know. But anyway we were out at a pub and were introduced to some of justenes friends who happened to be lesbians. Kelly had the most beautiful long curly hair and without thought I just started touching it. When I realized what I was doing I suddenly stopped. Now I’m with a girl and was stroking a lesbians hair felt like I was crossing a line. Like I was going to be accused of hitting on someone else’s girlfriend.
When I was with a man I doubt i would of given it another thought.

The wary mummy mafia at school are another one. I feel like I can’t compliment some of them on their hair or their clothes because now they may think I’m having a crack. Again not an issue if I wasn’t with a woman.

Truth is I don’t see other woman and go sure I’d like to bang that!. I just don’t.

I’m not sure if I’m just being totally paranoid in my own head or if it would be actually perceived this way?

Either way my thought processes have changed and I’m sometimes confused…:

Two years on…..

Two Years On……

We are two years into our life together.

What a two years it has been…..

Did I think it would last….. Yes I did. I’ve never been so content and self assured in a relationship before. I’ve never had the intimacy, the support or the understanding before. A real genuine partnership where we converse and compromise like adults.

I don’t know if that’s because she’s a woman and wired differently or just because she’s my soul mate.

Either way I’m so glad that I took a chance on everything I considered normal and conforming for society.

Two years on do I now consider myself a lesbian?… No.

I believe I am gender neutral In terms of love. I fell In Love with the best person in the world. She just happened to be a girl….

What a fun exploration in every way that has been…..

ο»ΏThings I don’t miss about being with a man……

This is no way a man bashing blog and I don’t hate men at all but this is just my personal view on what I don’t miss about being with a man vs being with a woman.

😴 I don’t miss clock watching. You know ladies especially those of you married or in longer term relationships, we’ve all done it. You’re tired but the whinging has worn you down. You get ready for the mounting then pump pump pump, break, pump pump pump, break, pump pump pump, insert a ooh and an ahh. Look at clock thinking it’s ok only 2 mins to go. Pump pump pump, break. Pump pump,pump, groan, ohh ahh, wriggle a bit, pull him closer so he can’t see your face clock watching. Pump pump pump, break, faster pumping groan, fake your ohh and ahh one last time ………..pump it’s all over. Well that is 10 mins of my life I’ll never get back. Now to ignore the snoring next to you…..

πŸ’§Oh I so don’t miss getting up after the clock watching and having sticky legs and that oh so familiar glug running down your leg….. And don’t even get me started on the smell of come…….ewww.

🚁 I don’t miss him getting out the shower and swinging it around like a helicopter saying very suggestively ” come here”……

🎱 I don’t miss saggy, sweaty stray haired balls.

πŸ„ I don’t miss him checking my pill so he can check out the 7 day forecast of getting his dick wet.

😡 I don’t miss the sloth on the couch that has worked his day as I have too. Only while he’s slothing, I’m washing, cleaning,making dinner, doing dishes, paying bills then eventually falling into bed where he already is by now snoring because his balls have fallen over his hairy arsehole creating vapour lock. I slide in and he turns over to cuddle me and I think oh this is nice, I need this………. Oh fuck what’s that sticking into my back………. Moment over…… He just can’t cuddle……ever.

πŸ‘€ the man look….. Must I find everything….. Open your eyes, Bend your back, your arms and legs are not painted on…..

πŸ™…The overbearing mother in law who’s baby boy can do no wrong.

πŸ™ˆ Whiskers in the bathroom sink or whisker rash down there……..

😰 The dead arm when you think a hand job will be easier……..

πŸ˜†My husband called his dick “Winky”. WTF what a pussy name for a cock. Pet names I don’t miss…… Lol

πŸ™‰ I don’t miss the never ending merry go round argument of ” I never get sex”. Well fuck knuckle if you don’t show me emotion and intimacy without the expectation of sex occasionally I’m not going to want to have sex.
He says” Well if I don’t get sex I don’t want to do the emotional and intimate shit with no gain” neither one of us budges. Welcome to the dizzying merry go round sex life of this married couple.

🍷I don’t miss the whole mentality of well if I wine and dine you, you will so 69 me.

πŸ‘ŽI’m not the only one. Friends have had similar experiences.
*One friend upon telling her husband she had her period got asked well do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?
* Another’s boyfriend walks up behind her on the couch, slaps his dick on her shoulder and then her face and asks ” you want a bit of this”?
Dudes really? You think that will entice us?

πŸ‘° I don’t miss my husband always viewing me as his princess bride. Always having to make love. Sometimes a girl just wants to be fucked hard and fast like a common whore.

πŸ“‰ OMG the keeping score. He can tell you how many days it’s been since his dick was wet but can’t remember your birth date????

😷 The farts…. I so don’t miss the nuclear cloud of farts that he insists on sharing…

πŸš† You are not a bullet train….. You don’t have to be the fastest. It’s not a race.

⛳️ Every hole is not a goal…….

πŸ™ I don’t miss the predictability of presents. ” you’re too hard to buy for I don’t know what to get”. You end up giving him a list with the item, the store and the price. You know nothing you get wont be on the list. No surprises, no thought, as I said predictable…….

πŸ“Ž Sometimes missionary gets a bit boring, but on the other hand trying to do 20 pages out of the kama sutra in one session doesn’t work either. We are not paper clips and some ways your body is just not supposed to bend. Sometimes our legs just don’t go behind our heads….. I guess we will not forget you the next day though when where bitching we can’t walk without pain…….. Lol

πŸƒOMG! On the odd occasion that you lose your boner or can’t get it up, don’t get angry and pout like a bitch. Sulking and brooding like a child is not a turn on. It happens sometimes, grown up, build a bridge and get over it you pussy.

πŸ‘ΉI don’t miss the demon inside him that considers the tv remote “his precious”….

As I said I don’t hate men, I really don’t honestly but it’s just where I am in my life at the moment. I love that my girlfriend is soft to touch, shes in tune with me emotionally and physically. Shes not hairy, doesn’t snore and appreciates me and shares the work load. She can just cuddle…. She can surprise me. She gets me, she cherishes me but most of all she knows me. She loves me unconditionally.

I do however miss the smell of a really good cologne. Ohh nothing better than a good smelling man……

The boat is rocked……..

So 12 years ago Justene was in her first and only other relationship with another woman. Many years her senior. After 2 years she had had enough of the secrecy that the relationship had to exist in.

I find out that her best friend of 10 plus years was that woman.

Upon hearing that Justene has left her husband and is now in a relationship with another woman stirs up unresolved feelings forgotten even hidden feelings in this woman.

She calls often drunk and emotional with jealous rages and guilt inducing spiels. Even though she doesn’t want to know anything about me and forbids Justene to talk about me.

I see Justene is torn and am angry at the emotional toll this supposed best friend takes on her. I’m angry that she doesn’t want to know me as I think if she did she might actually like me and see how happy I make Justene. Maybe that’s the problem?

Justene hides a lot of this from me and I almost feel like she’s choosing to save the other friends feelings by keeping me hidden. It sends me to a dark place and it’s the first time I have ever questioned the validity of her feelings for me. I will never be in my life again in the background. I won’t be a secret and I won’t stand for secrets between us.

I’ve lived that life, I want total transparency and honesty.

I begin to receive anonymous emails which we still are in the dark about who sent them to try and undo us. After many heated conversations and anger they actually bring us closer together. United we stand.

I think for the other woman she was even taken back at the feelings she still felt.

I get a glimpse at the snakes in the grass that Justene has had to deal with in her life and finally understand her deep rooted trust issues. I’ve never been exposed to these kind of people in my life and am truly dumbfounded these people are her friends and family.

After hearing my concerns I feel like she chooses me….. She lifts the block on her facebook from the best friend, no longer sheltering her from our life. I’m not sure she realises just how much this gesture means to me. I don’t feel hidden or a dirty little secret and the friend can choose to not look.

After all she’s a 60 year old woman behaving like a teenager over a relationship that ended 10 years ago……

I told you Justene was the type of girl you meet and know you can never replace…….

Our first xmas

So it’s been a while and I am very behind given that we are almost at our second xmas together and tomorrow we celebrate our one year anniversary so I will update you on our first year.

Xmas 2013.

What a day! By now we’d only been together a month and can’t get enough of each other. It’s her first xmas off work for 10 years. My daughter wakes us up and the day begins. Opening presents at my parents house and everyone is happy. Justene learning what it is to be part of a truly family day. She spoils me with a beautiful ring and a video camera to catch the beautiful moments of our new life together. I am a huge lover of xmas and to say the least am thoroughly enjoying the day. It’s been a long time since I have enjoyed and actually looked forward to xmas.

So far every friend and family has been supportive of my decisions and new found relationship and happiness except for my grandmother. She’s very old school. I told her face to face and she seemed ok. Days later she just couldn’t cope with the absence of a man in my relationship and decided she would not attend xmas. She couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t eat, she just felt sick. My mum ( it’s her mother) was very disappointed and upset for me. Justene offered to stay home so we could have a family xmas with my grandma. My parents and I were rather vocal and to the point of letting her know that we all love her and she is now part of the family. Staying away was not an option. So xmas day was wonderful minus one set of dinosaur grandparents.

Watching her interact with my daughter and my parents, opening presents, happy conversations and building princess carriages makes my heart burst.

Nothing is more lonely than waking up on xmas day alone in the house with a 2 year old who doesn’t get the concept of xmas yet.

I give her my present, a necklace with an infinity symbol and hers, mine and my daughters birthstones in it symbolising our new family. She is lost for words.

I feel so strongly that this is it for me. She was made just for me. Perfect in all her flaws and beauty.

I go to sleep that night in her arms content that this is the first of many xmas’s together”………..

My girl Justene…….

For such a long time,
I forgot how to smile,
I forgot how to really live,
Nothing seemed worthwhile.

I endured years of existing,
A broken and shattered mirror,
There was no sunshine,
Just years of cold dark winter.

I wallowed for too long,
And slowly rejoined the world,
And out of the blue so unexpected,
Came the most beautiful girl.

She warmed my frozen heart,
And bought a ray of light,
She healed my blank eyes,
Opened them up for sight.

Sight to see the beauty,
In the life together we could build,
The love of another,
Broke the protective shield.

For her I am open,
I’ll give her everything,
Love her, cherish her, appreciate her,
Her life’s song I will sing.

An unbreakable bond we share,
Whether it’s fleeting or forever,
Heaven has only seemed real to me,
Since we’ve been together.

I love her smile, her heart,
Her beautiful words and face,
Shes the one you meet and instantly know,
She’s the one you can never replace.

I will forever be grateful to her,
For breathing life in to me,
For showing me love and hope,
And for seeing and accepting, just me.

For letting me break down some of her walls,
And know her intimately,
For sharing with me her secrets untold,
For letting me love her unconditionally.

She’s a labyrinth I’ll happily explore,
For with her I always want more,
A once in a lifetime love,
Like never I’ve had before.

I’m the happiest and fulfilled I’ve ever been,
For the future I’m finally keen,
My dream of family fulfilled,
By my beautiful girl justene.