So we were kid free the other night and went and sat by the water. Somewhere I seek when I need clarity, peace and a quiet mind.
I’m a Gemini and can I say sometimes it is exhausting in my own head.
The conversation was polite, sometimes silent but baited with the anticipation of the words needing to be said.
I asked Justene if she was going to talk to me. She replied, “What do you want me to say?” I answered with “Anything, something, everything?”
We talked for a long time, calmly and rationally. She talked some more, I blubbered like the guilty fool I am. I listened and I mean really listened and for the first time in a long time….. I heard.
She amazed me at her strength and ability to be the bigger person and despite her anger, hurt and disappointment she was still concerned with the amount of punishment I was giving myself. And I am…….
I’m not sure how we will go or if she can ever trust me again. The next 6 months will be crucial in both of our futures. Can we dig ourselves out of the dirt, fix the wheels and get back on the track?
I’m struggling with where the boundaries lay for jokes, fun, mourning and physical intimacy. When is the right time?
I want her like I did in the beginning, an insatiable thirst that cannot be quenched.
I’m really not sure if she will ever grasp the magnitude or depth of how truly sorry I am. I am so grateful and extremely thankful that this is not the absolute end right now and one day I hope to be hopeful about our future.
Did I ask her about the inappropriateness of her communication and plans with her ex? No. Why you ask? Because again it doesn’t justify what I did in breaking her trust, I believe that if she counts me as important enough in her life she will tell me and explain in her own time.
Nows the time to dig deep, work hard, be mindful. It’s the time for guts, glory, healing and reconnecting.
I’m ready to love and be loved again, I hope she is too.
Maybe we had to fall apart to be able to fall back together………………
Our daughter who turns 6 this week came to me and said,
“Mummy do you think it would be ok if I called you Mummy and Justene Mum?
I told her that she could call justene whatever she was comfortable with but I have to tell you she melted my heart.
I love seeing them interact together and I love how content my daughter is in our little family…..
She loves her two mummies……