I have a curious mind and being a Gemini a gazillion random thoughts on the go at any one time. I am the person who googles if penguins have knees? How the word CAMP came to be used for gay men, why we call camping….camping.
I get that everyone has a unique point of view on topics, thoughts and situations and blogging can become therapeutic, interactive and a totally different perspective.
For me, when I first started to feel that spark with a woman after only previously liking men I was confused, overwhelmed and desperate to label it. I did what I would always do….. googled it.
I didn’t find any other confused, muddled mind person in this situation anywhere with the searches I tried. I found that strange. Then the mind started, how many people are googling this? How do you navigate this? I know I’m not the only one.
So the blog started. I wanted there to be at least one other perspective and a sense of normalcy for the chaos that was in my mind out there for someone to google and find if they were in the same situation so that they didn’t feel alone.
I know like everyone my story is unique for me and I love reading back on where we were at a particular point in time on our journey. I love that people interact with me and I find other people who just get it……
Reading other people blogs satisfies my curiosities on why people do the things they do and form the opinions they have. Sometimes it sparks another tangent in my mind and leads to a google fest.
But why do you blog? The chance to be heard, the escape, the anonymity, a footprint to prove you were here, to calm your chaotic mind?
Would love to hear your perspective and now I may even go and google…….. why people blog?
So we were kid free the other night and went and sat by the water. Somewhere I seek when I need clarity, peace and a quiet mind.
I’m a Gemini and can I say sometimes it is exhausting in my own head.
The conversation was polite, sometimes silent but baited with the anticipation of the words needing to be said.
I asked Justene if she was going to talk to me. She replied, “What do you want me to say?” I answered with “Anything, something, everything?”
We talked for a long time, calmly and rationally. She talked some more, I blubbered like the guilty fool I am. I listened and I mean really listened and for the first time in a long time….. I heard.
She amazed me at her strength and ability to be the bigger person and despite her anger, hurt and disappointment she was still concerned with the amount of punishment I was giving myself. And I am…….
I’m not sure how we will go or if she can ever trust me again. The next 6 months will be crucial in both of our futures. Can we dig ourselves out of the dirt, fix the wheels and get back on the track?
I’m struggling with where the boundaries lay for jokes, fun, mourning and physical intimacy. When is the right time?
I want her like I did in the beginning, an insatiable thirst that cannot be quenched.
I’m really not sure if she will ever grasp the magnitude or depth of how truly sorry I am. I am so grateful and extremely thankful that this is not the absolute end right now and one day I hope to be hopeful about our future.
Did I ask her about the inappropriateness of her communication and plans with her ex? No. Why you ask? Because again it doesn’t justify what I did in breaking her trust, I believe that if she counts me as important enough in her life she will tell me and explain in her own time.
Nows the time to dig deep, work hard, be mindful. It’s the time for guts, glory, healing and reconnecting.
I’m ready to love and be loved again, I hope she is too.
Maybe we had to fall apart to be able to fall back together………………
Apart from the obvious…….lol
This post may be a little random and not very cohesive but here goes…..
🌈 When I first revealed I was in love with a woman everybody wanted me to define myself. “Are you a lesbian now?” I wasn’t sure myself and answered well I’m a trysexual. I try it and if I like it I’m all good. I don’t believe I’ve been a hidden lesbian my whole life but do believe after a year now that I’ve fallen in love with the most gorgeous person not her gender. I’m not sure if things went pear shaped if I’d date another girl but then again I was convinced girls weren’t my thing before……..
🌈 The mind goes overtime when what you always thought you were destined for changes. I was 98% sure I wasn’t going to have any more kids. I had enormous troubles getting pregnant the first time due to endometriosis. I’m getting on in age and I always thought when I met someone and got to know them for a few years the age gap between my daughter and the potential baby would be too great. Justene has no children of her own by choice and I’m not that keen on the 2 different dad thing. But before I could fully commit to her I had to be sure and content with myself that another child would never be an option.
It’s a big difference choosing to not have another child vs not actually having the choice.
🌈 I had to weigh up the lifestyle differences for my daughter when she starts school next year and the social consequences that come with having same sex parents. My conclusion: my daughter loves Justene and thrives in our family environment. I’d rather navigate her through our unique family dynamics with the love she’s exposed to everyday then conform to society’s norms. What’s to come I don’t know but together as a family we will navigate it open and honestly.
🌈 Every relationship I’ve had with a man has started with a glance and then the stare full of chemistry and anticipation. It’s always been physical with the emotion coming later.
This relationship with a girl was very emotional at first. Our emotional connection was well established and deep rooted before anything physical developed.
🌈 The questions from friends and some associates have been borderline rude……
One associate in particular: ” How do you have sex? WTF?
“Well what am I going to tell by 5 year old?”
” Can you just ease me in, don’t be too full on together”
” how ironic that my two best friends are lesbians?”
” it’s family time tonight when we all go to dinner so maybe turn down the physical affection shown?”
Are you fucking kidding me? If I was still with a man would any of this be an issue? No I don’t believe so.
I don’t like being made a spectacle or a novelty when we’re out. The physical affection Justene and I show each other is the most natural feeling in the world to me. I love her, she and my daughter are my world…. What make people think that just because it’s not normal to them or they don’t understand it that they can be rude. Love is love no matter with whom or what…..
🌈 we were at a wedding and the next day all had breakfast together. Walking to the restaurant Justene and I were holding hands up the path. A random lady coming out of the restaurant with her kids actually obviously and blatantly made a beeline for the other side dragging her kids with her.
My response ” you can’t catch it Hunny”
How fucking rude. I’m still amazed at the constant stares we get when we hold hands. I have to stop for a minute and thing why are people staring at us? Then I remember OMG shock horror two girls are holding hands. What is wrong with people? Again it would never have happened had I been with my husband.
🌈 Never when I was married to a man did I have another man say to me “I could lick you both from front to back and make you scream”
Apparently now I have a hot girlfriend that’s okay????
🌈 Never with husband did people ask if they could watch, or if they could have a ticket to the show.
I think at the end of the day what people don’t realise is that no matter what gender you are relationships are relationships. They have the same structure the world over. You meet someone, you fall in love. You cop the day to day runnings of a household the same bill/ money issues, the same communication and differences of opinions issues. The same are we having enough sex issues.
I have the same arguments and issues with my girlfriend that I had with my husband. It’s all down to everyday life together. We share the workload although from the outside looking in I suppose she’s the hubby and I’m the wife traditionally. All those who are in a same sex relationship or are lucky enough to be counted as friends of a gay couple know that there’s no ” so who’s the man?
2 pairs of boobs, 2 vaginas, even my 5 year old knows there’s no man!
We are who we are, we do what we do, we love who we love and if you’re lucky enough like me to find your soulmate and love of your life, the missing piece of your life’s puzzle go for it.
Love is love.