So we were kid free the other night and went and sat by the water. Somewhere I seek when I need clarity, peace and a quiet mind.
I’m a Gemini and can I say sometimes it is exhausting in my own head.
The conversation was polite, sometimes silent but baited with the anticipation of the words needing to be said.
I asked Justene if she was going to talk to me. She replied, “What do you want me to say?” I answered with “Anything, something, everything?”
We talked for a long time, calmly and rationally. She talked some more, I blubbered like the guilty fool I am. I listened and I mean really listened and for the first time in a long time….. I heard.
She amazed me at her strength and ability to be the bigger person and despite her anger, hurt and disappointment she was still concerned with the amount of punishment I was giving myself. And I am…….
I’m not sure how we will go or if she can ever trust me again. The next 6 months will be crucial in both of our futures. Can we dig ourselves out of the dirt, fix the wheels and get back on the track?
I’m struggling with where the boundaries lay for jokes, fun, mourning and physical intimacy. When is the right time?
I want her like I did in the beginning, an insatiable thirst that cannot be quenched.
I’m really not sure if she will ever grasp the magnitude or depth of how truly sorry I am. I am so grateful and extremely thankful that this is not the absolute end right now and one day I hope to be hopeful about our future.
Did I ask her about the inappropriateness of her communication and plans with her ex? No. Why you ask? Because again it doesn’t justify what I did in breaking her trust, I believe that if she counts me as important enough in her life she will tell me and explain in her own time.
Nows the time to dig deep, work hard, be mindful. It’s the time for guts, glory, healing and reconnecting.
I’m ready to love and be loved again, I hope she is too.
Maybe we had to fall apart to be able to fall back together………………
I think it’s funny how I’ve changed now that in with a woman.
I don’t mean the essence of me I’m still the same but my actions and thought processes.
For example I was a hairdresser. I love to touch other peoples hair. Weird I know. But anyway we were out at a pub and were introduced to some of justenes friends who happened to be lesbians. Kelly had the most beautiful long curly hair and without thought I just started touching it. When I realized what I was doing I suddenly stopped. Now I’m with a girl and was stroking a lesbians hair felt like I was crossing a line. Like I was going to be accused of hitting on someone else’s girlfriend.
When I was with a man I doubt i would of given it another thought.
The wary mummy mafia at school are another one. I feel like I can’t compliment some of them on their hair or their clothes because now they may think I’m having a crack. Again not an issue if I wasn’t with a woman.
Truth is I don’t see other woman and go sure I’d like to bang that!. I just don’t.
I’m not sure if I’m just being totally paranoid in my own head or if it would be actually perceived this way?
Either way my thought processes have changed and I’m sometimes confused…:
I received a private message from a mum in our class informing me who was marrying who this week. Keeping in mind our kids are 5&6 year olds.
Her son is genuinely excited and looking forward to getting married one day.
It made me think is this where our ideals start?
All I ever wanted to do was get married, buy a house and have babies. I think you could see the want and need in me, probably even smelt it. Needless to say my ideals were unrealistic and therefore the reality never lived up to the expectations and pictures in my mind.
Was this just my personal wants or did it evolve from coming from a home with the opposite?
It certainly wasn’t my example or experience.
My daughter has never seen me married as her dad left before she was born. I am now in a loving relationship with a fantastic woman. Her example is still love and support but we cannot marry in our country even though she wants us to.
Will this change her views on marriage?
I always said I would never get married again but I also said I didn’t swing this way…lol
Never say never I suppose.
I guess as long as I teach her great morals, foster her self esteem and teach her to demand all that she’s worth physically, mentally and Emotionally she will be ok.
She will be her and that’s all that matters to me.
Poor bastard will have too nagging mother in laws. 😄😄😄
Two Years On……
We are two years into our life together.
What a two years it has been…..
Did I think it would last….. Yes I did. I’ve never been so content and self assured in a relationship before. I’ve never had the intimacy, the support or the understanding before. A real genuine partnership where we converse and compromise like adults.
I don’t know if that’s because she’s a woman and wired differently or just because she’s my soul mate.
Either way I’m so glad that I took a chance on everything I considered normal and conforming for society.
Two years on do I now consider myself a lesbian?… No.
I believe I am gender neutral In terms of love. I fell In Love with the best person in the world. She just happened to be a girl….
What a fun exploration in every way that has been…..
Life is short and life is hard……..
There are not many times in life that you get a do over. If you are lucky enough like me take it, run with it and bleed the chance dry.
Make the most of every moment. It’s nice to have a plan but plans change. I thought my life was mapped out and I knew where I was going.
Married, mortgaged with a baby on the way. Next minute literally, my husband has moved in with another woman who’s also pregnant, my life plans crushed. Sold the house, moved interstate with my parents and had my baby girl.
Fast forward 5 years later, I’m in a new relationship (my first since my husband) and with a woman. Did not ever see that coming. Wasn’t in the plan.
My point is I have an opportunity now that I actually know myself and what I will and won’t stand for to right some of the wrongs and live in the moment without regrets. A safe place to fall, someone who loves me and has my back.
It’s my do over at happiness and what I think will be a fulfilling happy respectful future.
It’s not without its challenges but neither is life. If you get the chance, speak up don’t hold back, apologise when it’s called for and own your shortcomings.
“Apologising doesn’t always mean that you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means that you value your relationship more than your ego”
Life is short and life is hard and can change in a series of moments. Make the moments count, live life true to yourself and learn how to make the most of a do over if you get the chance to have one.
This is no way a man bashing blog and I don’t hate men at all but this is just my personal view on what I don’t miss about being with a man vs being with a woman.
😴 I don’t miss clock watching. You know ladies especially those of you married or in longer term relationships, we’ve all done it. You’re tired but the whinging has worn you down. You get ready for the mounting then pump pump pump, break, pump pump pump, break, pump pump pump, insert a ooh and an ahh. Look at clock thinking it’s ok only 2 mins to go. Pump pump pump, break. Pump pump,pump, groan, ohh ahh, wriggle a bit, pull him closer so he can’t see your face clock watching. Pump pump pump, break, faster pumping groan, fake your ohh and ahh one last time ………..pump it’s all over. Well that is 10 mins of my life I’ll never get back. Now to ignore the snoring next to you…..
💧Oh I so don’t miss getting up after the clock watching and having sticky legs and that oh so familiar glug running down your leg….. And don’t even get me started on the smell of come…….ewww.
🚁 I don’t miss him getting out the shower and swinging it around like a helicopter saying very suggestively ” come here”……
🎱 I don’t miss saggy, sweaty stray haired balls.
🏄 I don’t miss him checking my pill so he can check out the 7 day forecast of getting his dick wet.
😵 I don’t miss the sloth on the couch that has worked his day as I have too. Only while he’s slothing, I’m washing, cleaning,making dinner, doing dishes, paying bills then eventually falling into bed where he already is by now snoring because his balls have fallen over his hairy arsehole creating vapour lock. I slide in and he turns over to cuddle me and I think oh this is nice, I need this………. Oh fuck what’s that sticking into my back………. Moment over…… He just can’t cuddle……ever.
👀 the man look….. Must I find everything….. Open your eyes, Bend your back, your arms and legs are not painted on…..
🙅The overbearing mother in law who’s baby boy can do no wrong.
🙈 Whiskers in the bathroom sink or whisker rash down there……..
😰 The dead arm when you think a hand job will be easier……..
😆My husband called his dick “Winky”. WTF what a pussy name for a cock. Pet names I don’t miss…… Lol
🙉 I don’t miss the never ending merry go round argument of ” I never get sex”. Well fuck knuckle if you don’t show me emotion and intimacy without the expectation of sex occasionally I’m not going to want to have sex.
He says” Well if I don’t get sex I don’t want to do the emotional and intimate shit with no gain” neither one of us budges. Welcome to the dizzying merry go round sex life of this married couple.
🍷I don’t miss the whole mentality of well if I wine and dine you, you will so 69 me.
👎I’m not the only one. Friends have had similar experiences.
*One friend upon telling her husband she had her period got asked well do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?
* Another’s boyfriend walks up behind her on the couch, slaps his dick on her shoulder and then her face and asks ” you want a bit of this”?
Dudes really? You think that will entice us?
👰 I don’t miss my husband always viewing me as his princess bride. Always having to make love. Sometimes a girl just wants to be fucked hard and fast like a common whore.
📉 OMG the keeping score. He can tell you how many days it’s been since his dick was wet but can’t remember your birth date????
😷 The farts…. I so don’t miss the nuclear cloud of farts that he insists on sharing…
🚆 You are not a bullet train….. You don’t have to be the fastest. It’s not a race.
⛳️ Every hole is not a goal…….
🙍 I don’t miss the predictability of presents. ” you’re too hard to buy for I don’t know what to get”. You end up giving him a list with the item, the store and the price. You know nothing you get wont be on the list. No surprises, no thought, as I said predictable…….
📎 Sometimes missionary gets a bit boring, but on the other hand trying to do 20 pages out of the kama sutra in one session doesn’t work either. We are not paper clips and some ways your body is just not supposed to bend. Sometimes our legs just don’t go behind our heads….. I guess we will not forget you the next day though when where bitching we can’t walk without pain…….. Lol
🃏OMG! On the odd occasion that you lose your boner or can’t get it up, don’t get angry and pout like a bitch. Sulking and brooding like a child is not a turn on. It happens sometimes, grown up, build a bridge and get over it you pussy.
👹I don’t miss the demon inside him that considers the tv remote “his precious”….
As I said I don’t hate men, I really don’t honestly but it’s just where I am in my life at the moment. I love that my girlfriend is soft to touch, shes in tune with me emotionally and physically. Shes not hairy, doesn’t snore and appreciates me and shares the work load. She can just cuddle…. She can surprise me. She gets me, she cherishes me but most of all she knows me. She loves me unconditionally.
I do however miss the smell of a really good cologne. Ohh nothing better than a good smelling man……