I have a curious mind and being a Gemini a gazillion random thoughts on the go at any one time. I am the person who googles if penguins have knees? How the word CAMP came to be used for gay men, why we call camping….camping.
I get that everyone has a unique point of view on topics, thoughts and situations and blogging can become therapeutic, interactive and a totally different perspective.
For me, when I first started to feel that spark with a woman after only previously liking men I was confused, overwhelmed and desperate to label it. I did what I would always do….. googled it.
I didn’t find any other confused, muddled mind person in this situation anywhere with the searches I tried. I found that strange. Then the mind started, how many people are googling this? How do you navigate this? I know I’m not the only one.
So the blog started. I wanted there to be at least one other perspective and a sense of normalcy for the chaos that was in my mind out there for someone to google and find if they were in the same situation so that they didn’t feel alone.
I know like everyone my story is unique for me and I love reading back on where we were at a particular point in time on our journey. I love that people interact with me and I find other people who just get it……
Reading other people blogs satisfies my curiosities on why people do the things they do and form the opinions they have. Sometimes it sparks another tangent in my mind and leads to a google fest.
But why do you blog? The chance to be heard, the escape, the anonymity, a footprint to prove you were here, to calm your chaotic mind?
Would love to hear your perspective and now I may even go and google…….. why people blog?
So we were kid free the other night and went and sat by the water. Somewhere I seek when I need clarity, peace and a quiet mind.
I’m a Gemini and can I say sometimes it is exhausting in my own head.
The conversation was polite, sometimes silent but baited with the anticipation of the words needing to be said.
I asked Justene if she was going to talk to me. She replied, “What do you want me to say?” I answered with “Anything, something, everything?”
We talked for a long time, calmly and rationally. She talked some more, I blubbered like the guilty fool I am. I listened and I mean really listened and for the first time in a long time….. I heard.
She amazed me at her strength and ability to be the bigger person and despite her anger, hurt and disappointment she was still concerned with the amount of punishment I was giving myself. And I am…….
I’m not sure how we will go or if she can ever trust me again. The next 6 months will be crucial in both of our futures. Can we dig ourselves out of the dirt, fix the wheels and get back on the track?
I’m struggling with where the boundaries lay for jokes, fun, mourning and physical intimacy. When is the right time?
I want her like I did in the beginning, an insatiable thirst that cannot be quenched.
I’m really not sure if she will ever grasp the magnitude or depth of how truly sorry I am. I am so grateful and extremely thankful that this is not the absolute end right now and one day I hope to be hopeful about our future.
Did I ask her about the inappropriateness of her communication and plans with her ex? No. Why you ask? Because again it doesn’t justify what I did in breaking her trust, I believe that if she counts me as important enough in her life she will tell me and explain in her own time.
Nows the time to dig deep, work hard, be mindful. It’s the time for guts, glory, healing and reconnecting.
I’m ready to love and be loved again, I hope she is too.
Maybe we had to fall apart to be able to fall back together………………