I have a curious mind and being a Gemini a gazillion random thoughts on the go at any one time. I am the person who googles if penguins have knees? How the word CAMP came to be used for gay men, why we call camping….camping.
I get that everyone has a unique point of view on topics, thoughts and situations and blogging can become therapeutic, interactive and a totally different perspective.
For me, when I first started to feel that spark with a woman after only previously liking men I was confused, overwhelmed and desperate to label it. I did what I would always do….. googled it.
I didn’t find any other confused, muddled mind person in this situation anywhere with the searches I tried. I found that strange. Then the mind started, how many people are googling this? How do you navigate this? I know I’m not the only one.
So the blog started. I wanted there to be at least one other perspective and a sense of normalcy for the chaos that was in my mind out there for someone to google and find if they were in the same situation so that they didn’t feel alone.
I know like everyone my story is unique for me and I love reading back on where we were at a particular point in time on our journey. I love that people interact with me and I find other people who just get it……
Reading other people blogs satisfies my curiosities on why people do the things they do and form the opinions they have. Sometimes it sparks another tangent in my mind and leads to a google fest.
But why do you blog? The chance to be heard, the escape, the anonymity, a footprint to prove you were here, to calm your chaotic mind?
Would love to hear your perspective and now I may even go and google…….. why people blog?
So we were kid free the other night and went and sat by the water. Somewhere I seek when I need clarity, peace and a quiet mind.
I’m a Gemini and can I say sometimes it is exhausting in my own head.
The conversation was polite, sometimes silent but baited with the anticipation of the words needing to be said.
I asked Justene if she was going to talk to me. She replied, “What do you want me to say?” I answered with “Anything, something, everything?”
We talked for a long time, calmly and rationally. She talked some more, I blubbered like the guilty fool I am. I listened and I mean really listened and for the first time in a long time….. I heard.
She amazed me at her strength and ability to be the bigger person and despite her anger, hurt and disappointment she was still concerned with the amount of punishment I was giving myself. And I am…….
I’m not sure how we will go or if she can ever trust me again. The next 6 months will be crucial in both of our futures. Can we dig ourselves out of the dirt, fix the wheels and get back on the track?
I’m struggling with where the boundaries lay for jokes, fun, mourning and physical intimacy. When is the right time?
I want her like I did in the beginning, an insatiable thirst that cannot be quenched.
I’m really not sure if she will ever grasp the magnitude or depth of how truly sorry I am. I am so grateful and extremely thankful that this is not the absolute end right now and one day I hope to be hopeful about our future.
Did I ask her about the inappropriateness of her communication and plans with her ex? No. Why you ask? Because again it doesn’t justify what I did in breaking her trust, I believe that if she counts me as important enough in her life she will tell me and explain in her own time.
Nows the time to dig deep, work hard, be mindful. It’s the time for guts, glory, healing and reconnecting.
I’m ready to love and be loved again, I hope she is too.
Maybe we had to fall apart to be able to fall back together………………
I think it’s funny how I’ve changed now that in with a woman.
I don’t mean the essence of me I’m still the same but my actions and thought processes.
For example I was a hairdresser. I love to touch other peoples hair. Weird I know. But anyway we were out at a pub and were introduced to some of justenes friends who happened to be lesbians. Kelly had the most beautiful long curly hair and without thought I just started touching it. When I realized what I was doing I suddenly stopped. Now I’m with a girl and was stroking a lesbians hair felt like I was crossing a line. Like I was going to be accused of hitting on someone else’s girlfriend.
When I was with a man I doubt i would of given it another thought.
The wary mummy mafia at school are another one. I feel like I can’t compliment some of them on their hair or their clothes because now they may think I’m having a crack. Again not an issue if I wasn’t with a woman.
Truth is I don’t see other woman and go sure I’d like to bang that!. I just don’t.
I’m not sure if I’m just being totally paranoid in my own head or if it would be actually perceived this way?
Either way my thought processes have changed and I’m sometimes confused…:
Two Years On……
We are two years into our life together.
What a two years it has been…..
Did I think it would last….. Yes I did. I’ve never been so content and self assured in a relationship before. I’ve never had the intimacy, the support or the understanding before. A real genuine partnership where we converse and compromise like adults.
I don’t know if that’s because she’s a woman and wired differently or just because she’s my soul mate.
Either way I’m so glad that I took a chance on everything I considered normal and conforming for society.
Two years on do I now consider myself a lesbian?… No.
I believe I am gender neutral In terms of love. I fell In Love with the best person in the world. She just happened to be a girl….
What a fun exploration in every way that has been…..
So I’m sure you are wondering how my daughter has taken this whole situation.
Well she’s 4 so she’s pretty accepting. She’s never seen me with a partner so it’s all new to her.
She took a liking to Justene straight away when we were just friends. Justene has chosen to not have her own children so it was a change for her too.
She learned very quickly there is no censoring, privacy or secrets with a 4 year old in the house.
First up I don’t hide things from my daughter, that only breeds further curiosity, I try to explain things to her in her own relatable language.
Some of her questions:
” mum is Justene your best friend?”
My answer: No she’s my princess. Mummy was married to daddy who was her prince but daddy chose to live with another princess so now instead of a prince, mummy now has a princess.
“Mum why don’t your boobs squash down like Justene’s and grandmas”?
Me: ummm well mummy has had an operation to fix her boobs.
” Justene why don’t you have any clothes on?”
Justene: saves on washing…
One day a couple of month in I hear her on the phone to her dad who out of courtesy I had let know I was now in a relationship. ( did not specify gender).
Dad you know Justene is my other mum? I didn’t come out of her belly so she’s not my real mum and I call her Justene but she’s my other mum and we are a family?
I was stunned as I’d never heard her say this out loud and it was never anything I had said to her.
Even my mum has commented at how well adjusted and complete my daughter seems now thriving in a family environment.
In our house Saturday is chore day. We all have jobs to clean the house with the jukebox pumping, tending to our zoo. 5 cats, 2 turtles, 2 guinea pigs and 1 dog.
Sunday is family day which means just music, no iPads, no tv. We go out the the beach together or a theme park. Whatever we do we all do together. Some afternoons our daughter and Justene play video games together.
Our daughter tells my mum, how lucky am I to have two mums, not everybody has two mums.
I’m not afraid at what awaits her starting school next year as I’m honest with her with any concerns she may have.
We are a happy little family paving our way through life and into our future….together.
So Justene is not really a girly girl. For her birthday we go out to dinner in a big group and watch a katy perry tribute show.
She goes out during the day and comes home with her hair and make up done and slips on a beautiful dress. Wowza! I always thought she was beautiful but omg what a stunning creature. I can’t stop looking at her, I don’t even want to go to the party, can we just party at home in our bedroom?
We have dinner, open presents and unbeknown to us a friend across the table is snapping candid pictures of us.
They are posted to facebook…… I delight in watching Justene dance with my daughter and we dance the night away. We had a great night.
The next day reading the posts from the night before and looking at the pictures we sit in silence an undercurrent running between us…… A huge changing, turning point in our relationship.
Being able to watch our love through someone else’s eyes unaware solidifies in her mind the feelings I have for her.
I love her and now she sees what everyone else does….that I totally adore her and only have eyes for her….