Funny how you change….

I think it’s funny how I’ve changed now that in with a woman.

I don’t mean the essence of me I’m still the same but my actions and thought processes.

For example I was a hairdresser. I love to touch other peoples hair. Weird I know. But anyway we were out at a pub and were introduced to some of justenes friends who happened to be lesbians. Kelly had the most beautiful long curly hair and without thought I just started touching it. When I realized what I was doing I suddenly stopped. Now I’m with a girl and was stroking a lesbians hair felt like I was crossing a line. Like I was going to be accused of hitting on someone else’s girlfriend.
When I was with a man I doubt i would of given it another thought.

The wary mummy mafia at school are another one. I feel like I can’t compliment some of them on their hair or their clothes because now they may think I’m having a crack. Again not an issue if I wasn’t with a woman.

Truth is I don’t see other woman and go sure I’d like to bang that!. I just don’t.

I’m not sure if I’m just being totally paranoid in my own head or if it would be actually perceived this way?

Either way my thought processes have changed and I’m sometimes confused…:

When the ideals begin…..

I received a private message from a mum in our class informing me who was marrying who this week. Keeping in mind our kids are 5&6 year olds.

Her son is genuinely excited and looking forward to getting married one day.

It made me think is this where our ideals start?

All I ever wanted to do was get married, buy a house and have babies. I think you could see the want and need in me, probably even smelt it. Needless to say my ideals were unrealistic and therefore the reality never lived up to the expectations and pictures in my mind.

Was this just my personal wants or did it evolve from coming from a home with the opposite?

It certainly wasn’t my example or experience.

My daughter has never seen me married as her dad left before she was born. I am now in a loving relationship with a fantastic woman. Her example is still love and support but we cannot marry in our country even though she wants us to.

Will this change her views on marriage?

I always said I would never get married again but I also said I didn’t swing this way…lol

Never say never I suppose.

I guess as long as I teach her great morals, foster her self esteem and teach her to demand all that she’s worth physically, mentally and Emotionally she will be ok.

She will be her and that’s all that matters to me.

Poor bastard will have too nagging mother in laws. 😄😄😄

Two years on…..

Two Years On……

We are two years into our life together.

What a two years it has been…..

Did I think it would last….. Yes I did. I’ve never been so content and self assured in a relationship before. I’ve never had the intimacy, the support or the understanding before. A real genuine partnership where we converse and compromise like adults.

I don’t know if that’s because she’s a woman and wired differently or just because she’s my soul mate.

Either way I’m so glad that I took a chance on everything I considered normal and conforming for society.

Two years on do I now consider myself a lesbian?… No.

I believe I am gender neutral In terms of love. I fell In Love with the best person in the world. She just happened to be a girl….

What a fun exploration in every way that has been…..

Mummy and Mum…..

Our daughter who turns 6 this week came to me and said,

“Mummy do you think it would be ok if I called you Mummy and Justene Mum?

I told her that she could call justene whatever she was comfortable with but I have to tell you she melted my heart.

I love seeing them interact together and I love how content my daughter is in our little family…..

She loves her two mummies……

Can we have and do it all?…….

It’s been too long since I last blogged……..

Life has been hectic in all the everyday things and the big things too.

Currently Justene is having a barage of tests to try and find the source of her pain, we are househunting. Still trying to work out if we want to spend more and buy a house with nothing left to do or buy a bit cheaper with minor things to do……. our biggest problem is land space. The blocks these days are just too tiny.

As for our relationship we’ve had a few rainy days. Justene has a higher sex drive than I do. Normal for most couples I believe??????

The thing is I think she equates my desire for sex as my love for her. Couldn’ be further from the truth.

I love her more now than I ever have. She’s my soulmate that I’m sure. She gets me…….

I love her quirks, our conversations, our life together…… I love her phone calls everyday and the way she loves me.  I think she is sexy and undoubtedly one of the most beautful people I have ever met and had the pleasure to love and share my life with.

My sex drive wavers depending on my tiredness, how much the kid has been a turd and at the moment with the hopital tests, getting ready for holidays in september, househunting, making cakes, doing quotes, our daughters 6th birthday is on sunday which coincides with a visit from her dad who’s still my husband and her little brother who is 8 months younger than her and the product of the affair that broke our marriage and left me a single mum with a baby on the way……. I feel overwhelmed and not on solid ground. Truth is I’m having a little trouble keeping it together.

I just want to keep my family together and happy. Some days I feel i’m failing at that too. 

We are almost two years in…….. Is this normal? Is this a problem? 

I don’t have plans on going anywhere. She’s my forever….. I will find a way to show her just how much she means to me…….

Can we have and do it all?

Life changes in a serious of moments…..

Life is short and life is hard……..

There are not many times in life that you get a do over. If you are lucky enough like me take it, run with it and bleed the chance dry.

Make the most of every moment. It’s nice to have a plan but plans change. I thought my life was mapped out and I knew where I was going.

Married, mortgaged with a baby on the way. Next minute literally, my husband has moved in with another woman who’s also pregnant, my life plans crushed. Sold the house, moved interstate with my parents and had my baby girl.

Fast forward 5 years later, I’m in a new relationship (my first since my husband) and with a woman. Did not ever see that coming. Wasn’t in the plan.

My point is I have an opportunity now that I actually know myself and what I will and won’t stand for to right some of the wrongs and live in the moment without regrets. A safe place to fall, someone who loves me and has my back.

It’s my do over at happiness and what I think will be a fulfilling happy respectful future.

It’s not without its challenges but neither is life. If you get the chance, speak up don’t hold back, apologise when it’s called for and own your shortcomings.

“Apologising doesn’t always mean that you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means that you value your relationship more than your ego”

Life is short and life is hard and can change in a series of moments. Make the moments count, live life true to yourself and learn how to make the most of a do over if you get the chance to have one.

Combining houses……

Oh holy crap!! Have you ever tried to combine a fully furnished 3 bedroom house with an already fully furnished 4 bedroom house.? Let me tell you it’s not fun. Justene says she’s a collector…… I say she’s a hoarder.

We had boxed all the double ups as we were being realistic and thought well if it all goes pear shaped at least neither of us has to start again. That’s not fun either.

Fast forward to 6-7 months later and I feel like it’s holding us back. It’s like having that safety net in case of……..

I don’t want to live with her always prepared for the worst. We have gotten through some pretty tough times in our relatively short time together and with her I just want to build our life. We love, respect and genuinely just cherish one another and I’m taking the leap.

I have listed our double ups so we can sell them and declutter our previous lives and set up what we want for our new lives going forward. 

Why do we hold onto things when the people we have in our lives really are all that matter. 

At the end of the day wherever she is, is my home. Whatever we lose and have to purchase in the event of a breakup is just the way it is.

Holding on to the clutter and the double ups will not lessen any of the pain felt if it ends in heartbreak, a slotted spoon will not bring back the cherished moments, a toaster will not complete me.

Only Justene and our daughter will make my world turn so out with the old and the safety net and only excitement for what’s to come……