The shattering moments…… part one…..

via The shattering moments…… part one…..

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The shattering moments…… part one…..

It’s funny how life gives you moments and spaces in time that are so much bigger than you. Moments that if you knew were going to happen beforehand you would of said that’s too much there’s no way I would cope.

On the back of our own precarious relationship struggles and path to find each other again we were hit with a blow in March. Justene’s step dad had been ill with a virus. He went from feeling really off and stuck in bed to the hospital with trouble breathing to having to be in an induced coma to then being put on life support if his body would last long enough and survive long enough to even get him onto the equipment in a span of 24 hours.

The doctor said to call who ever needed calling and get them to the hospital and that 1 in 3 make it. There’s a really good chance he will die. Just the facts, just like that in plain black and white. A sudden hard slap of the reality of the situation served up cold.

He was transferred to another hospital that day and would spend 2 weeks on a fully set up ECMO machine. By this point his lungs were not working at all and his heart was under so much stress it couldn’t beat enough to sustain life. The machine did everything for him, breathed, pumped his blood outside his body, oxygenated it and pumped it back in and the 2 nurses by his bed 24/7 did everything else. Washed him, brushed his teeth, shaved his face, moisturised his skin and juggled daily his intake and multiple doses of liquid cocktails. This included his food and nourishment, insulin, pain relief and the induced coma medication.

It was not known if he could hear us or if he would make it. Day 5 miraculously saw his body start to react and try to heal. He spent 10 days on the machine before they slowly started to wake him up. He was delirious, aggressive and confused. He thought Justene was an alien clone and had to be restrained to the bed. Then he was a howling mess, so sorry for putting everyone through the worry and despair and made promises to clean up his lifestyle, grateful for his second chance. Before this he had been a lifetime heavy smoker and heavy alcoholic.

ICU is such a raw and real experience and it’s hard to see so many lives lying in a bed unresponsive teetering dangerously on the edge of death and the families that love them hoping and praying for a miracle.

Justene’s birthday was in this time so we didn’t celebrate it as she said we would celebrate once he was better. She always had the gut feeling he would be ok. Me……. I thought he was a goner.

The doctors and nurses were amazed, later admitting they thought he had no chance of ever recovering. He walked out of the hospital and home a week or so later. Tired and weakened from the weight loss, he started a new cleaner lifestyle. Turns out he had contracted legionaries disease. Government departments wanted to know where he’d been, what shopping centres, airports etc. this means that he must be super careful in flu season and to keep a good eye on himself if he does get a cold or flu. His lungs severely compromised now could spell disaster from the slightest infection.

He started Pilates for strength and was eating well, sleeping well and only having a glass or two of red wine a night with dinner. Previously a 1.25L bottle of scotch a night and still functioning to work. After gaining strength and joining the human race again he slowly returned to work.

Sadly almost a year later he is back to smoking and drinking a lot. Vodka this time. Not quite as much as before but working up to it. Seems his inner arsehole has also returned. It was good while it lasted but what a waste of a second chance to grab life by the balls and live it.

A week after he left ICU to go to the HDU unit I received a phone call early on a Sunday morning from my mum.

Ma’s in hospital. (My 77yo grandmother). What for? ” She tried to kill herself, she hung herself”. WTF………..

I go back to the same hospital with my mum, dad and grandfather, back to the beeping machines in ICU and to the grieving families and wonderful nurses and doctors who do an extraordinary job everyday. A nurse sees me and stares at my familiar face. She recognised me from sitting at another bedside only a week ago.

Sadly this visit was never going to have the same outcome as the week before. They couldn’t detect any brain activity but they couldn’t turn off the machine for at least 24 hours either because it was a suicide they have to rule out that it wasn’t murder and that my grandfather didn’t help her.

This poor man has gone to do his morning exercise and come back into the house to find his wife in the lounge room hanging by an electrical extension cord from the fan. He calls the ambulance and cuts her down. The police arrive first. They cut off her clothes and try bringing her back to life.The ambos arrive and take over with CPR and a shot of adrenaline they manage to get her heart to beat again but she’s not breathing on her own. The police rapid fire questions at my grandfather and search for a note, digging through the house and her belongings. My grandfather understandably in shock sits and answers, watches and waits.

The next day we go back to ICU to turn off the life support. My grandfather still in a world where he thinks she will wake up. When they go to start the process he takes off. He can’t be there and watch her die again. My dad takes one for the team and takes him home. In the room are Mum, Justene and I . Justene is by my side which I will always be grateful for. It is incredibly peaceful and right as she takes her last breath her two best friends of 50 plus years come in and say their goodbyes. I hate that they brought her back to life as it was far too late, I hate that she did it in their home where my grandfather sits everyday and I hate that she’s gone. But I understand her reasons and thinking and I am so grateful that her troubled mind is at peace.

Like I said the moments that prove so much bigger than me that I thought I could never cope through that change you and I’ve you perspective. It’s amazing the strength and resilience you find. Later that day Justene is by my side and so incredibly helpful at breaking the news to our 8 year old daughter. Of course the truth was not told but in that moment it was nice for us to have a same page moment parenting as one and together.

Together being the ultimate word. These awful moments I feel have helped strengthen our cracked bond. The bond I cracked 2 months before that now seems like forever ago. I feel like we will make it. What a horrendous string of events to go through but thankfully not alone.

The year can only go up from here……..right??????

Curious…… why did you start blogging?

I have a curious mind and being a Gemini a gazillion random thoughts on the go at any one time. I am the person who googles if penguins have knees? How the word CAMP came to be used for gay men, why we call camping….camping.

I get that everyone has a unique point of view on topics, thoughts and situations and blogging can become therapeutic, interactive and a totally different perspective.

For me, when I first started to feel that spark with a woman after only previously liking men I was confused, overwhelmed and desperate to label it. I did what I would always do….. googled it.

I didn’t find any other confused, muddled mind person in this situation anywhere with the searches I tried. I found that strange. Then the mind started, how many people are googling this? How do you navigate this? I know I’m not the only one.

So the blog started. I wanted there to be at least one other perspective and a sense of normalcy for the chaos that was in my mind out there for someone to google and find if they were in the same situation so that they didn’t feel alone.

I know like everyone my story is unique for me and I love reading back on where we were at a particular point in time on our journey. I love that people interact with me and I find other people who just get it……

Reading other people blogs satisfies my curiosities on why people do the things they do and form the opinions they have. Sometimes it sparks another tangent in my mind and leads to a google fest.

But why do you blog? The chance to be heard, the escape, the anonymity, a footprint to prove you were here, to calm your chaotic mind?

Would love to hear your perspective and now I may even go and google…….. why people blog?

Has the wagon stopped digging deeper?

So we were kid free the other night and went and sat by the water. Somewhere I seek when I need clarity, peace and a quiet mind.
I’m a Gemini and can I say sometimes it is exhausting in my own head.

The conversation was polite, sometimes silent but baited with the anticipation of the words needing to be said.

I asked Justene if she was going to talk to me. She replied, “What do you want me to say?” I answered with “Anything, something, everything?”

We talked for a long time, calmly and rationally. She talked some more, I blubbered like the guilty fool I am. I listened and I mean really listened and for the first time in a long time….. I heard.

She amazed me at her strength and ability to be the bigger person and despite her anger, hurt and disappointment she was still concerned with the amount of punishment I was giving myself. And I am…….

I’m not sure how we will go or if she can ever trust me again. The next 6 months will be crucial in both of our futures. Can we dig ourselves out of the dirt, fix the wheels and get back on the track?

I’m struggling with where the boundaries lay for jokes, fun, mourning and physical intimacy. When is the right time?

I want her like I did in the beginning, an insatiable thirst that cannot be quenched.

I’m really not sure if she will ever grasp the magnitude or depth of how truly sorry I am. I am so grateful and extremely thankful that this is not the absolute end right now and one day I hope to be hopeful about our future.

Did I ask her about the inappropriateness of her communication and plans with her ex? No. Why you ask? Because again it doesn’t justify what I did in breaking her trust, I believe that if she counts me as important enough in her life she will tell me and explain in her own time.

Nows the time to dig deep, work hard, be mindful. It’s the time for guts, glory, healing and reconnecting.

I’m ready to love and be loved again, I hope she is too.

Maybe we had to fall apart to be able to fall back together………………

Happy Fucking New Year!

Happy Fucking New Year!

Well we are now 4 years into our relationship and the numerous bumps in the road have finally made the wheels of our girly wagon fall off………… we are now grinding the axles in the dirt getting deeper and deeper into our relationship grave.

Very quickly all the bullshit that lead to this moment was all family crap. Most of all my daughters devilish months of tantrums, she’s now 8. Justene’s struggle with priorities. Shes putting me first where she says I put my daughter first. Justene’s walls up and not being able to penetrate them to protect herself, my struggles with depression, our non sex life, the list goes on.

She said she had received a group message from someone regarding an old group of friends she knew from 10 years ago. One of them had terminal cancer and wanted to all have a last catch up. It was a few weeks away. The moment she mentioned it I had instant goose bumps, my heart raced and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

I don’t know why as I’ve never had that reaction with her before but I just didn’t trust that that was true. Can’t give you any other reason than that. Never had any suspicion previously what so ever.

As the weeks went by every now and then she would say oh don’t forget that thing I have. No mention of the persons name, no dinging of group messages, no memories talked about. Usually regardless of what it is we have always invited the other. It’s ok that I didn’t go but very strange for her to not give me the option.

Anyway with weeks of her constantly being late with no call or explanation and then one arvo I went to the shop and saw her sitting in the park around the corner on the phone, late again. I asked her and she said she was talking to her Mum and didn’t want to come inside and be on the phone. I call bullshit on that one as she’s constantly on the phone when she gets home and it never bothers her any
other time, why this day?

Her ex husband who is still quite involved in her family life through the family business had just lost his mother and she went to the funeral. I had no dramas with that all. It was the right and respectful thing to do, and no I did not expect an invite.

We got through Xmas with some bullshit from her family and celebrated in such a cool way for New Years. I watched her dancing with her Mum and relaxing, smiling for a change and thought I fucking love and adore this girl. What am I doing spending time in my head instead of making this our best year yet. It hit me like a ton of bricks. You want her, hold on to her and show her. Cut your bullshit and screw those wagon wheels up tight.

Instead I got an insatiable appetite to be with her, inside her, on her, under her, just with her and that’s what happened the next 3 nights. It was magic and only added to my hunger for her.

Then the irreversible mistake was made. The ultimate wheel smasher, the ultimate betrayal especially for a girl with trust issues.

I had a sick compulsion of doubt. I just couldn’t shake the last couple of months and didn’t want to move on without having it aired and cleared. I made the fateful mistake and checked only one message on her phone. From her ex husband. Always a line I had for myself to never cross. I’m a fucked up insecure human being it would seem. I thought id dealt with that trust bullshit. That moment I lost myself and the love of my life. That weekend of the group message she had meant to meet him and it didn’t happen. She was now sending him messages for Xmas with their pet names on it. She knows he still loves her so what the fuck. To me this is totally inappropriate and crosses the line on our relationship. Made not a physical betrayal but an emotional one for sure in my book.

I took her to the park where we first kissed and told her my concerns. She told me I was crazy and explained it away. She has lied to my face. Am I not worth the truth? Why can’t she admit that it was wrong? I asked is she has anything at all on her phone or messages that she wouldn’t want me to see or that crossed the line.

She told me no I’ve got nothing to hide. Then she went on to say that I have trust issues and only I can deal with them. Now it’s my fault?

So I let it go for now, then I fucked up even more and read the emails on her iPad.
A gross betrayal and invasion of privacy on my part and I can honestly say I hate myself for it.

She knows I read the messages and was so angry at me as she should be. She’s hurt , betrayed and disappointed and so am I. In her but mostly in myself. What a fucking screw up. Never once have I doubted her before or abused her trust. NEVER.

We messaged back and forth and I came home a long time later. She’s been quite nice and that kills me more. I need her to hit out, scream out or cut some scathing words like she usually would. I need to feel her anger and disappointment as it is warranted. I know I fucked up royally and I shattered her heart, my own heart and possibly my future with her. I shattered our family.

I get it. What I did was so wrong and hand on my heart I can tell you it’s something I would never ever do again. The cost to all is too great.

What about her secrets you ask? What about them. At the end of the day it does not justify what I did to her and if she is going to go she’s going to go. I can’t do anything about it. It’s out of my hands. I can’t handle another cheater again. I won’t bounce back from it and she knows it.

What do we do? Well who knows what will happen. I am willing to forgive her but I’m not sure she can forgive me. Why should she? I will spend my days and weeks even months ahead trying to put the wheels back on. Showing her how much I love and cherish her. How much I want our family together for the rest of my days. Showing her what a truly beautiful girl she is and assuring her of my love.

For me she is it.

Only question remains, can she forgive me and will she even let me try?

My future is in her hands……….